My name is ZhaoXiaoli
Rural migrant workers, born in the 1980s in a remote village in Hebei, my ancestors have all been farmers who toiled the land, facing the yellow earth and the sky. Now, I work as a senior AV encoding engineer in a small factory in Kunshan, Jiangsu, doing the most ordinary assembly line job, mechanically repeating the same motion every day, like a machine devoid of emotions.
The villagers all think I'm doing pretty well in the big city. When the news spread, my fellow villagers came to my house one after another, asking me to help them find jobs. I could only reluctantly tell them that the factory wages are pitifully low, the working hours are as long as an endless night, there's no food or accommodation provided, overtime is a common occurrence, and the work is the most arduous and tiring. Upon hearing this, the expectation on their faces instantly turned into disappointment, their eyes filled with helplessness as they silently turned and left, leaving me standing alone at the door, feeling desolate inside.
When I was a child, I was a kid with dreams, determined to become a great inventor when I grew up, creating all sorts of amazing things to make the world a better place. I spent my days immersed in my fantasies, drawing circuit diagrams on the ground with sticks, and cobbling together all sorts of strange little gadgets from scrap metal. But reality slapped me hard. In my thirties, I can't even afford the most basic necessities of life, let alone achieve my dreams. Every time I recall those childhood fantasies, I feel like a huge joke, a "good-for-nothing" who can't even support myself, what dreams?
My life is like a stagnant pond, repeating the monotonous work every day, returning to the cramped and dim rental room, facing the cold walls, with no one to talk to. The future for me is a pitch-black fog, I can't even guess what will happen tomorrow, let alone have any goals or enthusiasm. I often wake up in the middle of the night, gazing at the flickering neon lights outside the window, feeling lost and helpless, as if I'm a fallen leaf, blown around by the winds of fate, without any direction.
In the past years, I've experienced too many setbacks and failures. Once, I mustered up the courage to attend a vocational skills training course, hoping to find a better job by improving myself. But in the end, not only did I spend all my savings, but I gained nothing. Even the training instructor thought I was too poor in quality to be worth cultivating. At that moment, standing at the door of the training classroom, looking at those classmates who were laughing at me, tears welled up in my eyes but wouldn't fall. I felt like trash abandoned by the world, good for nothing, not even deserving the chance to strive.
Another time, I fell in love with a girl. She was gentle and kind, the only warmth in this cold city for me. I mustered up the courage to confess to her, but she laughed and rejected me, saying I didn't deserve love because I couldn't even take care of myself. Standing in front of her, I felt like a beggar who had been abandoned, without the courage to even look up. I watched her retreating figure disappear into the crowd, and my heart shattered into countless pieces. Since then, I no longer believed in love, nor did I believe I could find any warmth in this world.
Now, My edges have long been worn smooth by this world; I no longer feel great joy or sorrow, only restrained, subdued emotions that flow slowly. Even when I see the technician I like, I keep it to myself—the calmer I seem, the more it hurts. After the session, as we part at the end of the hallway, I don’t say goodbye to her, because I know, after goodbye, we won’t meet again.
Contact：zhaoxiaoli(at)foxmail.com
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